ramblings

my fumkin BADASS website!!!!!!!

11may23

i don't get why everyone is always so down on sports.

i don't even play them, nor am i that good at them but like
did none of you have fun in gym class? i call bullshit, if your brain wasn't eroded by being online you would still be going apeshit at getting to play dodgeball
have fun relegating exercise to "jogging and going to the gym" or "something i should do but don't", that sounds like a fucking blast dude
do gyms offer this sort of thing? i only ever see exercise classes and weight rooms.

then again i've heard that financially, they depend on people not actually using their memberships

i've heard people say stuff like "adults should know how to play too", that as we grow older we adopt this weird mindset that it's embarrassing and weird to do things just to do them even though we still need to. it's always been difficult to picture what they're talking about, but i think i get it when i hear tons of people acting like running and jumping around in a competition *isn't* fun as hell
maybe it's because people see it as "shallow" or something. when your skills are about the body you're born with instead of your mind, it feels less tied to personhood because you're mostly working with something predetermined
but that sounds like the weird preoccupation with skill, the assumption that the only meaning to any actions like this is showing that you're good at them. if you can't allow yourself to have fun unless it shows you're A Cool Person That's Good At Something, you're kinda fucked in the head

02apr23

i've been getting into procedural animation lately.

i always wondered why i had never heard of any good tools for it. turns out it's because it's really easy and much more useful for you to write a basic program yourself.
that's what i've been doing for the past couple days. making tools and animations.
using my gigantic superbrain, i made functions that let me draw lines and stuff in perspectived 3d
i'm also working on a function that will let me build basic 3d polygons point by point, and functions that will let me create character animations with a very customizable body model
- the body model started as just a body model though. a tool that generates simple images of different body types. i was bothered by the fact that every time i think "i shouldn't give this character a basic bitch body type, maybe" i always went for like the same three things.
- in retrospect maybe that shouldn't be automated. my rule is that you shouldn't automate something you can't already do. i should just study the different ways body type can vary so it isn't just "they're fat" or "they're tall"
- character animation doesn't break that rule though. i've made poses manually, it's mostly a cycle of trial and error. plus 3d animation is pretty much the same as what i'm doing, i just think blender sucks for this (maybe it's good for translating a complete idea, but not forming it.)
i tend to be very wary of this kind of thing, and of programming in general. i feel weak for spending the whole day on what i'm already good at instead of what i need to get better at.
but that's also because i refuse to acknowledge the validity of these tools. even thinking about animation that isn't done frame by frame makes me afraid i'm just doing cheap tricks or something, or that my work will be worse than someone else's because it leans into skills that are about practicality and utility instead of expression
but that's always been the kinds of animations i think of, and i think it would be a great help if i could at least put things on the page. just being able to construct a full environment makes a project feel much more real to you, even if it's done with placeholders or something.

27mar23

had a dream that hitler was alive and went back into politics like "i've put the past behind me, i'm a changed man"

he was part of some televised political event and he had that demeanor like I Am Wise And Understanding Now, I've Learned From My Mistakes And The Mature Thing To Do Is Look Past Them And Give Me A Chance
other politicians still didn't want to associate with him or return his fist bumps (mostly because it'd be political suicide though)
but he was still part of the event, and his approach worked on people who always want to pretend like they're being the bigger man
this would probably work in real life if it was anyone but hitler. like anyone who's done totally horrific shit on close to the same scale, but isn't universally recognized as The Single Most Evil Guy Ever. i don't think they'd win an election but they'd probably be treated at least this well

17mar23

accidentally microwaved a bug today.

it was on the back of a corningware
it survived.
i mercy killed it.
then, for a few seconds,
- "wait shit what if it could've healed from that"
- "i dunno shit about bugs, that doesn't sound impossible"
- "if there's any bug that deserves life it's one that went through a fucking microwave"
- "i couldn't just let it stay here"
- "but i could've let it outside or something"
- "nothing i can do now"
- "another reminder that the end of any life, no matter how small, is irreversible"
oh well!

writing something that isn't as realistic as you think feels pretty similar to making excuses for something after the fact

like specifically when you do something kinda out of line but come up with some reason why it isn't a big deal (which wasn't actually on your mind at the time)
- sometimes the excuse you pull out of your ass actually does make it less bad. doesn't mean you're less of a dick tho
it makes a lot of sense.